Putting the Cat in the Fridge and the Milk in the Garden

This week has been about holding it together, and by that I don’t simply  mean emotionally, but on all levels. Including managing to get my bra to  do up on all three hooks, rather than just the one. Lets face it with “girls”  like mine the industrial strength steel engineering that goes  into each and every bra I own, is a necessity rather than a design feature. Leaving 2 our of 3 hooks undone could see  accidents happening! On the plus side if the World ever has a shortage of  8 man camping tents I shall be able to make a small fortune on the black  market…

I read an article today by someone who appears to have the  Mother/Goddess/Domestic Heroine thing down to an Art Form. I did briefly feel inadequate, until I realised that chances are it was all a big  pack of lies!! I know many wonderful women who are Mothers, and I also know not one of them would mind me saying that none of them excel at “all” aspects of Parenthood.

I don’t think we are supposed to. Are we? (insert note of panic here)  I certainly fail on many fronts, not least the Domestic one, as nicely demonstrated by my somewhat pathetic attempt to use up 6 eggs today (started off as Kedgeree, which then became an Spanish omelette which then nicely segued into, “would an egg sandwich do?” –  at least I know my limits)

I rarely make it through a day without forgetting to put eye make up on “both” eyes, wearing my top on inside out, and putting the cat in the fridge and the milk in the garden. But I like to think it adds to my charm and mystery. This has “something” to do with having a child with Autism, and “a lot” to do with just being a regular mum, tired, anxious and a little bit mad.

When I was younger I used to have all these Grand Plans to “do something/be somebody” – I was also going to get back into my size 10 jeans and learn to speak French.  Turned out I am NEVER going to get back into my size 10 jeans, my only knowledge of French consists of being able to ask if somebody would like to sleep with me tonight ? (not “entirely” unusable), and I never really did “anything” that set the World on fire. But I did get to be somebody. I got to be a Mother.

Now granted I didn’t get the easiest kid on the block , but I didn’t get hardest either. As terrifically inconvenient as it is to have a child with Autism (and trust me, it is), you do also need to remember some very wise and well founded words…

So you see I did do some of the things I planned, well ok actually it was just the one, but you never know, I could still learn French (as you can see the size 10 jeans plan has been entirely nixed!) But I got to be a Mother, now I’m not sure I excel at it, but its still the most fulfilling job I’ve ever had. It’s also the hardest, the least well paid, has no health plan, no pension and the uniform is dire, but I am pretty much prepared to bet the end result will beat any year end bonus. The Autism? Meh, whatyagonnado?!?

We are due to start the new School Term this coming week, it has seen me resort to Valium, Gin, Hypnosis,Tears, Retail Therapy, and lastly but by no means least; treating myself to three pairs of new shoes, all of which are entirely impractical, so therefore 100% necessary.

None of this will change the Trauma that is to come, but in honour of all Mothers out there, not just the ones I know and admire, but every Mum who for numerous reasons dreads the start of a new school term. Here’s to putting our shoulders back, our make up on, and knowing we try to do the very VERY best we can. It’s all anybody can ask.

PS for those worried about the Cat, fear not, I remembered before he was entirely frozen, its amazing what you can do with a Hairdryer and some hot water bottles..

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. ~Thomas Edison

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Here is a basic definition of high functioning autism: Thank you mighty Wikipedia!

“High-functioning autism (HFA) is a term applied to people with Autism who are deemed to be cognitively “higher functioning” (IQ>70) than other people with autism. Individuals with HFA or Asperger Syndrome, exhibit deficits in areas of communication, emotion recognition and expression, and social interaction.  There is no consensus on the definition…”

As you can see, its not black and white, even the Experts cant agree, so how on earth am I supposed to figure it out? I’m just his Mum, I can barely make it from my front door to the car without having an emotional crisis. (maybe I’ve got it too…..oh no that might just be the Sauvingnon again). Its easy to shrug Autism off as a “fad”,  an, “on trend diagnosis”, or a reason for excusing your child’s apparent bad behavior. But as a wise man once said,

“Don’t judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes” …..

Well mine are 5′ killer heels, so best you get practicing! 

As you may be able to tell, today has not been a great day. There are brief times when you realise you have sunk a bit lower than you thought. This light-bulb moment came to me when I was sat on the sofa watching “Pet Rescue” just before starting work, and a dodgy looking mouse had to be sent to Mouse Heaven.  Now I would be the first to say I’m a soft touch when it comes to anything soft and furry, but a scrawny grey mouse?  not a cute white one that looks like it could sit up and talk to you, “Disney Style”, possibly with a catchy rap to round things off.

No this was a grey, saggy, frankly pretty knackered looking creature that had seen better days. But I howled like a baby. You know things are not going so well when the death of a small rodent brings you to chest beating tears!  Anyway below is a picture of a baby elephant. There’s no real link, but apparently I’m not putting enough pictures in my blog…….well actually there sort of is a link!

a wittle tiney ewelpahnt – sorry….

baby animals, does it every time, somebody go get the Kleenex!

We took Charlie Banana to Chester Zoo a couple of years ago, went the whole 9 yards and thought, well its too far to go in a day so we will stay overnight. Found a lovely hotel, quiet Country House  style “pile”.  All very Sense and Sensibility, all it needed was Judy Dench to come floating out in a full Edwardian costume and we could have been on a film set. But anyway, we rock up, go to our room, immediately nick all the toiletries and the coffee and tea and hot chocolate sachets (I cant help it!! – they put it in the bill???!!!). The overnight stay goes pretty well, dinner was a bit of a trial as the restaurant was a bit noisy and busy but we managed, found a very quiet, out of the way table in the corner and sat the offspring between us so he felt “safe”.

Got up the next morning and trotted off to the Zoo, to be promptly informed when we got there “I want to go home” Now I know what your thinking  “Just make the little toe-rag walk round?  kids are kids and like to whinge!” But that’s not the case with ours (well OK sometimes it is, but its hard to know “exactly” when) This is one of the things I find hardest about having a child with Autism, you never really know when they are just being little toe-rags, and when what is bothering them is a genuine fear or total inability to understand. Can you afford to make the mistake?  If the answer is Yes then your a braver person than I.

In other matters, somebody told me today I sound like Kathy Lette when I blog, which is very flattering, so thank you for that:)  I also got sent an  article today entitled “How to write a top blog”. No mention was made of sitting on the sofa, knocking back industrial size glasses of vino (I’m not an alcoholic, honest) and bemoaning the fact the cat, “Always”, chooses to chuck up on the carpet rather than the laminate. I wouldn’t mind this so much, but we only have one rug in the “entire house!”.  It would be harder to “hit” the rug, than miss it!  I swear the cat saunters downstairs after a trying 18 hour nap, and thinks;  “Yep, that’s looks nice and clean, I’ll think I’ll just vomit up a furball”

But back to my point, it was a really interesting article, but I think was it was designed to aid you more in”making money” from your blog, rather than attempting to use it as a cheap form of therapy. Although as the Hubby pointed out, its “not that cheap when you drink £15 bottles of wine whilst doing it!” – I like to think I made my point clearly when I actually “went” for a therapy session and presented him with a bill for £125. Therapy didnt work so well for me, I found myself just wanting to bang my  head against the wall every time they asked me “how do you “feel” about that? – maybe its me, maybe I’m just not cut out for therapy, but  my over-riding desire was to get into the filing cabinet in her office, lock the door and sniff the Tipex…

Tomorrow is Sports Day! – or not. Having had numerous debates, endless questions, and even at one stage a re-enactment of the event itself, we have come to the conclusion that Charlie Banana will be staying home tomorrow.  Its just not worth the aggro, or the angst, or the anxiety, or any other number of words that being with “A” ( I feel like Big Bird on Sesame Street). Its a Sports Day, not Mastermind (which he might do better at ironically)  I always sucked at Sports Day, mostly because I developed Katie Price like boobs at the tender age of 13 and suddenly found I had myself a fan base consisting almost entirely of 16 year old boys….but that’s a whole other blog!!

Today has been a bad day, I have felt tired, worthless, useless, and basically like a failed parent. But a text message to some girlfriends resulted in a “Rescue Visit” this evening, which I know will make me feel better, and also somewhat like the dodgy mouse as there is always a risk with these two particular friends that they might just have me “put to sleep”….;)

But the end result of today will be that its yet another day, like many before it, and I am sure many more that will follow it. Some are good days, some are bad. But like most other things in Life, you don’t have any choices, there is not getting off this particular train. Course had I known at the start I might never have got on, but then I wouldn’t have the little fella that I do, and despite all the things that he isn’t, there are a million more perfect ,wonderful, bright and beautiful things that he is.

So as you can see, this is why the title of today’s Blog is what is, because I haven’t failed, I just haven’t “quite” figured out how to cope yet, and until then?   I will buy shoes, drink wine, and remember that things could be worse…..but to be strictly honest mostly I will just buy shoes.

It beats Therapy…

 

Aspergers, and is being a drugs mule a career choice?

Loooong day yesterday, right up until I fell asleep on the sofa, mid Season 4, Disc 3 of Battlestar Galactica, which is a pain as I had my theory as to who the human cylon was all planned out. (Tragic isn’t it) Thought it was particularly decent of the Hubby to take a photo of me hanging half off the sofa, wrapped in the little fellas Spider-man blanket, complete with half eaten cornetto in hand. I tell you if I ever need sectioning they have “All” the photographic evidence they need!

Educational Psychologist was fun, in a completely non fun kind of way. Very nice lady, keen to help and very astute, compassionate, all round good egg really. But its yet another occasion when you have to regurgitate the information regarding your child, and all his little eccentricities. (lets call them that for now, it requires less use of the Valium..) It always makes me cry whenever we have to start from the beginning though, which seems to be something you spend a lot of time doing with this particular “illness”. With hindsight (oh if only!!) when I was considering investing in the Marlborough Estate Savuignon, I should also have looked into getting shares in Keelenx.

Its hard to tell what is basically a perfect stranger that you have a little oddball, and some of the stuff that goes on in our life is private, I don’t want to share it. (I realise the irony of that statement given that I’m blogging about it) Its not because I don’t to fully disclose the info, I mean that would be no help to anyone, but its hard to keep it together. When the emotion starts to take over I like to think calm thoughts, and deep breath, to enable myself to speak without breaking down all the time…… or not, I find thinking about people on my kill list works just as well……

It went well though, its another step towards the final goal (still figuring out quite what that is), and although I have doubts that the school will be as much use and help as required, I will at least attempt to be “on board” with them, up to a point. In my defence, before any Teachers out there take offence, I have tried to “play ball for the last 18 months. My son has been fortunate at times to have had wonderful, insightful, caring teachers, and at other times, those that really do not appear to be interested.  This is where my, “don’t get in my way!” attitude comes into play. Its a bit like Beyonce and her, “I am Sasha Fierce” persona, only less glamorous, and talented, and nowhere near as thin, and without the really big hair and thighs of steel. So actually a pretty rubbish metaphor, but im hoping the point is made.

On other matters I went shopping today with my Mother. (I would like to point out at this juncture that I do have other friends, its just that I really get on with my mum, and nobody else I know gets hysterical in changing rooms quite like she does, its so tempting to push her out mid “one leg in trouser and one leg out”, for the rest of the shop to enjoy the hilarity). We got caught in traffic on the way home and she managed to have a drink from a bottle of fizzy water, she then proceeded to get the giggles and then snort it down her nose, into her £200 handbag and then dissolve into hysterics. Bloke in front thought we were glue sniffers the amount of bubbles and peals of hysterical laughter coming from the car.

But back to my “attitude issues”. I don’t think I have an attitude “issue”,  I think I have an attitude. Two different things. He’s my child, end of. That’s where it starts and ends, nothing is too much trouble and nothing is too much work to see him succeed, and by this I don’t mean develop time travel, or become a brain surgeon, just to be happy,  content, and fulfilled.  Although Brain Surgery would be good because im fairly sure it pays well, Time Travel might be a leap, but we shall see!

On an entirely separate note the strain of yesterday seems to have messed with my brain, I had a really vivid dream last night that I had become a drugs mule….. This is laughable for so many reasons, and if you knew me well you would know that I am a) a shit liar, b) panic if I’ve taken two ibuprofen and have to go through customs at the airport, and c) would probably just take all the drugs myself. So as career choices go its not really a major option. Quite why my frazzled brain felt the need to get this creative is beyond me. But I’m not sure the Hubby was too impressed when I sat up in bed at 3am screaming “get that rubber glove away from me!”.

Speaking of the Hubby, hes a snorer, and I have zero tolerance as we all know. I have taken to stabbing him with a pair of tweezers when its really bad, and then when he shoots up from his peaceful, but noisy slumber, with a look of outrage on his face, I just just calmly say “honestly those cats are really malicious at times!” So far the plan works well, and as he has neither Facebook, nor reads my blog (divorce!!) I think I’m safe for a fair while longer.

But back to the roller-coaster that is the Autism Spectrum, hmm, well its  been another week of learning new things, and realising that the red tape is still very much in play. Which I understand on some levels, but on others could do without. Next stop is back to peadiatrician and a possible referral to CAMHS. I shall be referring myself to the nearest bottle of vino.

In other news one of my friends announced the other day she has found her first grey hair “down there!” It’s moments like this that make life worth living,  and really useful blackmail material should she ever piss me off:)

Autism – its cool! and why I should have read the Karma Sutra properly..

They say that Autism is becoming more “popular”. I think by that what they mean is its becoming more prevalent, which is hardly the same thing… I do think like many illnesses/diseases etc, Autism is better understood, so therefore more people are diagnosed, but sitting where I do, I’m not sure any of us think its “cool” to have Autism, personally I think being a 6 foot blonde supermodel is cool, but that’s just me. As in that’s my opinion, not that I am, “actually”, a 6 foot blonde supermodel. Which is a shame as I reckon I could rock that look!

Autism is a lifelong disorder, that brings with it many hurdles and obstacles. My little box of Frogs has Aspergers Syndrome which means that although he is extremely articulate, has exceptional understanding of language, not least the fact he fluently understands two different ones, as Daddy is Dutch. However he also misses a lot of social cues, can be extremely rigid in his behavior, and finds going into a small village cafe for a milk-shake a scary experience. We did just this last weekend, and after initially backing away from the cafe door, with encouragement and both his arms around mine, we walked in, found a very quiet seat in the corner, and relaxed, sort of. OK not really.

Boys are far more likely to be on the spectrum than girls, which means I should have paid far more attention to that Cosmo article that said you should “do it” in position 108 from the Karma Sutra if you want to conceive a girl……

There are definite genetic links to Autism Spectrum Disorders, but they now believe there could be environmental ones as well, although Research has “not yet identified a direct causal link between any environmental factor and autism (including vaccinations), although risk for developing autism has been associated with factors such as parental age” (autistica.org.uk) Which did give me food for thought one night when half way through a bottle of Sauvignon (which is enough, never say I’m anything other than a cheap date), I decided it was  “all my fault” for waiting until I was 34 to get “with child”.

One of my biggest fears for my little fella is based on a statistics, (and we all know what they say about statistics!) Research by the National Autistic Society has found that 90% of parents with children with Aspergers Syndrome  have been the target of bullying in the last year. Now this horrifies me, but I have a plan should it ever happen. Obviously I cant tell you what it is as its deeply illegal and would require the entire family to emigrate to Nova Scotia, but I like to think all that fresh air would do us good. I have a feral like desire to protect my child, like any mother, but my aggression levels sky rocket when I think about my child being bullied. I hope it never happens, and we have always taught the little fella to stand up for himself, plus he is twice the height of any of his peers (thank goodness for his Dads Dutch genes, they are all huge,6 foot plus chaps, probably explains the prevalence of Dutch porn stars……). He also has a lot of friends, and seems popular, if somewhat on the periphery of things. But then even when he was very young and at nursery we were always told, “he seems very happy, but he doesn’t have any special friends” .

I didn’t have any special friends when I was young either, well only the dwarf who lived in the wall……insert insane eerie cackle here (its scary because its truuuuuu!). But that was more to do with the fact I was a Military Brat and we moved around a lot.

Autism has no respect for race/colour/class/ or how much money you have, if it wants you it gets you. Which makes it sound like a dark and desperate condition, which I suppose it is. But I’de like to think there are pluses to being “special”. I know my son is many things which are difficult to manage, but he also offers a level of warmth and affection to a very few chosen individuals that is so intense that it makes you feel blessed.

We have the educational psychologist in today, as although the little fella has been diagnosed by a Consultant Pediatrician, a Consultant Child Psychologist, and a Speech and Language Therapist, in order for us to request a “Statement of Special Educational Needs”, often referred  to as a Statement, as its less of a mouthful! We do need the Local Education Authority Educational Psychologist to agree, that way we can apply for the Statement and hopefully get some more help in School, plus get Autism Outreach in, and if all that fails, apply for Special Provision (which is something I will come on to later, as if like me you have the tolerance of a small simple goldfish for this much red tape, you will have already got bored and logged off!)

Consequently I woke today feeling sick as a dog and wanting to get on that plane to Mexico again. We have report after report stating what is wrong with Charlie Banana, but today matters, end of. I have been told repeatedly by those in the know that its nothing to worry about, but I’m pretty sure they told Jennifer Aniston that when Angelina said a polite Good Morning to Brad, and look what happened there!! So if it’s ok with everyone else I thought I would worry myself sick and then sit in a corner and rock for a bit. Didn’t even do the school run today, although to be fair that was more because I come out in hives when im really nervous, and I have a “blob” the size of an Ostrich Egg on my left eyebrow, didn’t want to hear screams of “Burn the Witch!” when I walked into the playground. So Hubby has taken him in instead.

So kick off is 11:30 for us, the Ed Psych will be seeing our little rubix cube at 9am and we will go in afterwards, until then I shall feel ill, panic, eat vast quantities of chocolate, and pace around the kitchen, bet the Hubby cant wait to get back!!

Will let you know later how it went, and how I am going to explain to the neighbours why I was stood in the study this morning, wearing just a towel and with my bra on my head….

Why Autism should come with added Valium

Better day today, course Valium might have helped….I should point out that I’m hardly a closet drug taker, I came out of the closet ages so….. But seriously, there are times when I resort to the diazepam, I don’t advocate this as a coping technique. As management strategies go its pretty rubbish, but there are times when your need to get off the roller-coaster becomes impossible to ignore, and if a Valium allows me some brief respite from the fear, chaos, and pain that can on occasion be part of our day, then so be it. I’m pretty sure the sheer amount of adrenalin that circulates my body in place of actual blood, will more than be able to cope with a small “downer”. In fact I actually wonder why i bother, think it might be for purely psychological reasons, rather than actual medical ones, as pretty sure when the Valium hits my brain and goes “Morning folks, I’m here to calm the crazy bitch down”, the Adrenalin Robots just go “Come on then if you think your hard enough!”.

Charlie Bananna currently happily playing with his lego, its a rare quiet moment, and the stillness of these moments is precious, as life is loud, manic and, well basically a bit mental, most of the time. (please note I make no attempt at political correctness, its one of the perks of having a child with autism. If anyone points out my lack of PC creative writing I like to burst into tears and cry, “but my baby has Autism!! – don’t you think I’ve got enough on my plate?” – its a cheap trick but never say I’m anything other than deep as ditch water…

Had a lengthy discussion with my mother today, who is a wealth of wisdom and support, but also slightly left of center, and prone to fits of hysteria when in changing rooms trying on clothes that frankly can be so hideous that i have no choice but to howl with laughter, and whip aside the changing room curtain to share it with the group of startled shoppers that are wondering what the gales of hysteria are all about.

But after I had persuaded her not to buy a dress that made her look like Carmen Miranda we did have a lengthy chat about how you never really know if your doing the right thing with your child. This is, I would imagine the case regardless of any special needs your child may have. I just have the added quandary of constantly wondering if my response to the Mad Monkey’s behavior is appropriate, due to his Autism. I sometimes think the simple answer to this question is, “treat him the same you would any child”, and there is argument to support the theory that “children like stability, and discipline and rules and boundaries” are part of that discipline. But the thing to remember if you “don’t” have a child with Autism, is that simple answers are not always simple when the child you are dealing with sees the world through very different eyes to your own. So basically I like to double guess myself, beat myself up that i “might” have got it wrong, and then lie awake night after night and panic about it. Like I said, never a dull moment in our house!

Since the offspring was diagnosed with Autism, I have spent most of the last 2.5 years is a daze, granted some of it was due to Sauvignon, and there was that weekend in Amsterdam and the slice of chocolate cake that had a decided hint of something “extra”! But cannabis is a great leveler and its amazing how funny a boat trip can be when your off our head. Before any of you send Social Services or Child Services round, due to my constant mention of drugs and alcohol, I would like to point out that I am in fact a responsible parent, who just takes the very rare weekend off…

So, back to the subject of the day: what I have been up to since that first fateful appointment 2.5 years ago?  Well the answer is many things, I tried hiding under the sofa for a while, but that didnt work out so well, I tried being “terrifically jolly hockey-sticks” about it all, but it turns that although I am English, and reasonably well brought up, I really cant pull of the Sloane thing, this could be partly due to the fact i have a mouth like a sailor.

The Hubby just listened to the medical folks, looked at the offspring, looked at me and I’m prepared to bet thought, “hmm, I think “she” might be more trouble here than anything else”. Which is not untrue.  I was only able to have one child (hold the sympathy as I bloody loathed being pregnant, hated breast feeding, thought all the poopy pamper changing rated a Nobel Peace Prize, and looked like a small pissed off whale from about 3 months onward. I would add to that list that I missed seeing my feet due to pregnancy boobs, but they were always there from puberty so…)

I feel I should have something constructive to say to you all here? but I not sure I do, I can only share my own angst, and love affair with shoes and wine. Not particularly helpful, but I’d like to think that those of us who are in this Boat are able to read each others blogs and think, “well that happens to me too, so maybe I’m not getting it as wrong as I thought”. Its a lonely road to travel, and each of us has to deal and cope with it in our own way. I find shopping, drinking and going on holiday a lot quiet effective, accept its all still here when you get back…

There is so much you can learn about Autism, and you then live it, all the time. Its also very easy to live nothing else, and to miss all the great stuff your child does, because your so focused on the scary stuff. I regularly sink into the Autism Pit, and then have to drag myself out kicking and screaming. I wish there was a pill you could take that made it all make sense, if I ever invent it I shall have it on eBay and Amazon so fast that Pfizer wont get a look in, and the promptly move to my own private island, except I’m not very good with my own company so that probably wouldn’t work too well.

What I do have however is some wonderful friends, who let me wipe my mascara over there shoulders when I need to, and most of the time they make more sense than the professionals. Don’t underestimate the power of friendship, and the strength it can offer and  the fact pain turns to laughter when you share it will special people.  I wont name check those friends here as they know who they are;)

Autism still terrifies me, and I think it probably always will, I worry about the present, the future, and even the past, in as much as “What did i do wrong?” but with every cloud comes a silver lining, and you know what mine is? The utter joy of having my wonderful, crazy, mad as a box of  frogs little dude tell me he loves me, regularly. Because children with Autism love, live and laugh, just like the rest of us, and they do if even when they don’t understand what is going on in the world around them, and if that doesn’t make them special? Then I really don’t know what does:)